Your complete guide to the Parisian Metro

This is the Parisian Metro. The most efficient way to get around Paris. While the Metro can be super daunting at first, particularly if your french could use a little work (I remember I was shaking badly on my first ride without my host mom) but once you get the hang of it, nothing is easier or more freeing. 

So, first things first. You're going to need to FIND a metro. That's actually not that hard. There are tons of metros all over Paris. As my friend Sheri once said, "I'm not afraid of getting lost, I mean, all you have to do is walk long enough in one direction and you'll run into a metro eventually. And from there, you can find your way home."

How do you know if you've run into a metro? 

A little blurry, sorry guys, but if you can't tell, that is a big yellow M. Usually they are underground, but some, like mine are actually above ground. Either way, you'll use the stairs and from there you'll come to something that looks like this: 

From here, you'll need to have either a ticket, which you can purchase in the little machines that are very close to the turnstiles or a metro pass like I have. Even though it costs 67 euro a month, it is totally worth it, because you can go anywhere in Paris, and on weekends, even further. But a one way ticket usually costs 2 euro or so per person. 

 This is what the metro pass looks like. I've edited it for obvious reasons, but you get the idea. Anyways. Once you have your form of Ticket, you should probably grab a metro map from the little kiosk. It shows how everything connects and even though you can deal without, I used it non stop the first month here. It's a map, so you don't even need French (but having French is worth it's weight in gold). Next you'll need to feed your ticket to the turn-still or place your pass on the giant purple circle. When it turns green, you need to move, and rather quickly. If you wait too long, it will be invalidated and you'll have to wait a while until you can try again. Now, one of the hardest things about the Metro is that you have to figure out which way to go. There are ALWAYS two directions and no two trains have the same route or go in the same direction. Some go roughly North and South while others go East-West. It will change depending on what line you are and where you are at on that line. Sound complicated? It's actually not. By each direction, they list the stops they go through. They also include the line numbers you can get to through each stop. If your destination (or at least where you plan to change lines) is not on that list, you should probably go the other way.

See how the line branches off at the end? You need to be careful of that. It's a rarity, there are only 3-4 lines that branch like mine does, but if you were going to St Denis, for example, you would need to make sure you took the line that was going to St, Denis, and NOT the one going to Asneires-Gennevillers. HOWEVER, you should still go to that platform, because you are going that direction. Just make sure you take the right metro train! 

So, now that you know which way you're going, it's pretty easy from here on out. You walk up the stairs (or down) and follow the arrows of the direction you are taking. It will usually list the line # and the last stop of the direction you are going in. So, if I was going to Saint-Lazare, I would follow the sign for Asnieres-Gennevilliers until I reached the platform. For my stop, it's super easy. There's only 2 platforms. But at other stations, like Chatlet, it is much harder. You can go a long way before you come to your platform. When you get onto the platform, there are often vending machines. They only accept euros, of course, but the snacks are pretty good. While you wait, you will see this:

The top right gives the time (the French use Military Time. I had a little trouble with it at first, despite the fact that I used it in some girl scout competitions, but you just need to remember to slide the second digit back two number, if it is after 12 pm. For example, 1700 hours is 5 pm. And remember that 20 hours is 8 pm, not 10. Other than that, you're set.) and the other two hours tell how quickly the trains will come. Line 13 is actually very quick. Every 2 minutes. But for other lines, it can be up to 7 minutes. This is still not as slow as LA (we get 15 or so) but is painful when you're used to two minutes. Even on this train, you will still see people dive into the train at the last second. Some of them are terrible at it. The last guy nearly snapped himself it half. It was dumb. He was fine, but it was a very stupid move. There was one guy though, who was a total badass at it. He just timed it perfectly, with not an inch to spare, but not where he was endangering people on the metro. He reminded me a lot of Lancelot. As in THIS version: 

Completely like, YUP, I did some amazing, but really, it's no big deal. 

I clapped at him. And got a smile. But the moral is, it's only two minutes. Don't be an idiot. Unless you are Lancelot. And you can pull it off. 

In the Metro, there's not really a lot to do, after a while. Most people just listen to music on their headphones and read. This is a good option. Some people play games on their phone, but there are a lot of pickpockets in Paris, so I don't generally do that. I've had a lot of luck so far, but people have tried to pickpocket me 3 times now. They've never succeeded, because I don't carry anything valuable, but it does happen, and nearly ALWAYS in touristy areas, or if you have your head in the air and LOOK like a tourist. If you're gently cautious, you should be fine. So that's the downside. The upside is that there are often musicians on the metro, of all sorts. Everything from voice, to trumpets, to accordians. They do hope you'll pay them though, usually a euro or so. Some of them are AMAZING. Some of them  . . . I'm not such a fan of, particularly when I have a song like "waiting for superman," by Daughtry or "Bitch"by Meredith Brooks on my Ipod. Then I start wondering WHY they are making me pause my Meredith. And that doesn't make me happy. But for the most part, it's worth to pause even Meredith Brooks for a taste of this live Paris music. The best stuff though, is in Chatlet, when you are walking in the station. There is this group of like 9 people who are playing AMAZING music, with guitars and violins and such. (And if you didn't guess by the fact that they are playing in the station, there are many other musicians who play in the walkways of the stations). 

There is one thing I should note though, in regards to the metro. During Rush hours, like 8 in the morning or 5 at night, or any other time the metro is crowded, you should NOT be using the fold down seats. 

Yes, these. 

If everyone is jam-packed in there, and you're sitting. Oh man. It is NOT nice. If you're starting to wonder if you should stand, you probably should. A good key is when the other people in chairs stand up. If they're all standing, and you're sitting . . . rest assured, the other passengers are not happy with you. Even I get angry at this. No one wants to stand, but it is so much worse when you are crushed against strangers standing and you wouldn't have to be touching the other people if that person would just stand up. The other rule is, of course, to give your seat to an elder or disabled person, if there is not an open one. There are actually a lot more active disabled people in Paris, and you really should allow them to sit. It is hard enough already for them. There are also a lot of homeless people in Paris, often in the Metro tunnels, with a sign saying, "J'ai faim (I'm hungry)." It is much more obvious in Paris than in LA, and it is hard to deal with emotionally for me -- I always feel so terrible when I can't drop in a euro -- but it is much harder for them, obviously. 

Anyways. Once you're on the metro, you will see this: 

 It will tell you exactly which route the train is traveling and the stops it's making. If you're on a line like mine, it will even light up what stops you have left (note, this freaked me out the first time. When a train has made the stops, the lights will go out. The stops remaining are lit up.) however, most trains don't have this, and even if they do, sometimes it is broken. However, the conductor will often announce the stop they coming up on and you will know when to get off. If they don't, however, there's still a super easy way to tell. Look out your window!

EVERY Metro station I've been to here has that. If this is your stop, the doors will either open automatically (for example, on line 4) or you will have to push a mechanic. The older trains have a weird metal thing you have to push up. On my line, we have this:

 There's not much to do with it, but there is an issue of timing. Most people try to push it way too early. Which always makes me laugh, because they have this look on their face and they are completely baffled. Like:                                                    OR

       

 But there is a trick to it. The driver hits the breaks. The train stops. And then there's a whiplash. How big a whiplash depends on the driver, but I don't care how tough you are, if you're not holding on to something when that whiplash comes, you are going to be thrown. I've hit people twice from that, at least. It's not fun. Anyways. Once the whiplash hits, THEN the button works, and you can leave.
If this is your last stop, CONGRATS! YOU MADE IT! But for most of us, there is a transfer involved. These are actually surprisingly easy, though I was terrified at first. You chose a stop that has the line you want to transfer on it (there are a total of 14 lines in Paris, FYI), get off at that stop, and then, you follow the signs. It can be very long if you're someplace like Chatlet, and expect lots of stairs. If you get lost, remember not to go out of the turnstiles. You'll have to pay again and your transfer is not that way. One of the longest is at Montparnasse Bienvenue. There is a moving walkway to take you from the 13 to the 4, and there is one HUGE rule that you need to follow, both on this walkways AND on escalators. If you are going to be slow, or be still STAY ON THE RIGHT! People are in a huge hurry and NO ONE will thank you if you are blocking the main path. No one likes people who stand, since they slow down circulation, but we will live with you if you stay to the right. But if you are on the left. And you are slower than pond-water . . . it's like if you sit on a packed metro. These people have to take the metro every day. They are busy. They have someplace to be. Do not make life harder for them. There is one more thing to know: rarely, but occasionally, metro cops will block an entrance and check tickets. It's not a big deal. You hand it to them, they look, hand it back, but it does exist.
But that's it for transfering. Really, it just gets down to following signs. If it's been stressful though, stop and buy yourself pain au chocolat at the mini-shops that appear inside the metro.
Okay, so NOW you've finally gotten off the metro at your destination. What now? This is actually the hardest part, but with a little bit of luck, you've got this too.

Metro exits are called Sorties. That's the easy part. The hard part is that there is more than one of them, depending on where you want to end up. The best solution is to have someone give you the # sortie they want you to take, but in lieu of that, I actually realized there is a map (I don't have a photo, unfortunately, because my platform only has one exit) that lists the sorties and where they come out. So, if you have an address, you can consult the map and see which one you need to take. After that, you just follow the signs for sortie #2 or whatever, and take the stairs out of there. And voila! You have finished your trip on the Metro! Congrats!

Enjoy!