Day Four

 Day four. 

This will be brief as my attention span is short and dinner is just around the corner. 

I am having one of those days where I am wondering "WHY DID I THINK I COULD DO THIS," I don't think that's talked about enough. We all get them. 

So far I've coped in a healthy way: retreated to my room and talked to no one since about 2 or 3. It's now 7. 

Things that are overwhelming me: 

1. My ankle. I am concerned that the walk from the school will be too far. I am looking into other options. I am wondering if I can put a notice on the board and ask if I can pay someone to take me to and from or do an uber. The cold makes everything all the worse. And I would have liked to explore the city, but I don't think that's going to happen. Hopefully it still will, but one can't blame me for being pessimistic. Option two is a bike, but I'm not sure that will help. Also I hate stairs. 

2. The French language. While normally I LOVE the sound of the French language and ADORE trying to understand it, today, after 2 hours last night, and about 4 today, I would be happy if I never heard it again. It's just buzzing pointlessly in my tired head. 

3. Another health issue I don't want to talk about here. 

4. I am tired. I've been walking up at night and not able to go back to sleep. I sleep too long, too little, it's all messed up. I feel like a failure. 

5. I haven't eaten since this morning. I wanted to find a nice restaurant but instead I caved and went to this cafeteria place so I wouldn't get lost and to spare my ankle. Well, that was a mistake. I grabbed a soda, which turned out to have grapefruit in it, which I can't have. Like, allergic level, can't have. I grabbed some apple sauce, which was fine, and some greens, as a main course, but the greens, ah the greens, I made an ass of myself. I couldn't manage more than two bites and I was feeling ill and tired. It was not to my taste, let's put it that way. And I couldn't see a trash can, so I had to apologize to the poor nice woman in my TIRED french (which is AWFUL) and she was luckily super nice. I told her I wasn't feeling well. Which was VERY VERY VERY TRUE. So that was fun. 

So. That is me. I am depressed, and I am anxious, and hungry. And I've been talking with my lovely friends, which helps, but it makes me feel very useless, and small, and wish I were a braver person. That's all for today. 

~ Emery  

P.S On a good note, yesterday ended well. I spoke to the other host student, and she was nice, and my host mom made carbonara, which I ADORE. And hers was amazing. If I can actually walk a little, maybe I will try and find a bakery around here. I'm sure there are some. 

Also my wonderful friend Robin agreed that it would be a good idea to set small goals: here are some of mine. 

1. See the river. 

2. Check out the bookstores

3. Check out the comic book store

4. Find a grocery store 

5. Find Strawberry tarts. 

6. Find some good restaurants.