Intro to Psychology

There's a reason I like the Owl House so much, Eda's cry of "Us Weirdos have to stick together," has basically been my motto for as long as I can remember. I've always made an effort to be friendly and kind to everyone I meet, and for the last 3 years, I've been lucky in that this has frequently been returned. People in Northern California are extraordinarily nice, and I picked a great field. 

   

But today a lot of my insecurities came roaring back. When I was a kid, and a teenager, and in college, I've always felt . . . somewhat invisible. Or if I wasn't invisible, a nuance, the kind of person that needed to apologize for existing. I always said the wrong thing, stood awkwardly, and seemed in general, to have missed the guidebook for acting normal. 

For the last 3 years though, I've actually felt pretty normal, which has been nice. 

Today though, thinking about my host mother's urging to find friends, I asked a classmate if he wanted to join me for lunch. I'm not sure if he thought I was hitting on him (he's married, so I would NEVER), or if he didn't feel I knew him well enough, or if he simply didn't want to speak French (I'm trying to talk to everyone in French) but he said no. Very kindly, but a clear no. 

My brain has since gone into overdrive. I will state something, for the record. I do like being alone, and for the most part, I like it quite a bit. I'm a loner by nature. But at the same time, I'm also a loner because I don't want to get hurt. I hate rejection. I hate feeling like I'm not enough. Most of the time, I feel like I'm too awkward to exist in a space with others, ESPECIALLY those of my own age. I constantly feel judged and waffle between feeling like they think they're too good for me, or that I'm *really* too good for them. What was it that is said in ATLA? "Pride is not the opposite of shame but its source,"?

Sometimes I think I like writing because it's something you can ignore easily. If you don't like my writing, you can stop reading. I can't get on your nerves. I'm not too much. I haven't the foggiest where this comes from, but I'm a big fan of being transparent. And social situations have ALWAYS been hard for me. I'd rather have an uneven dynamic. It's easy for me to talk to someone who needs help, a teacher, a CEO, something like that, where I know where I fit in that person's universe. Or if someone is themselves a self proclaimed weirdo. Then I can manage. But social things are always hard for me, and every time I forget, the dragon rears its head again. 

Oh well. 

So I did what any girl with a sweet tooth would do. I went and got myself a raspberry tart, and munched on it sulkily. 

It's getting cooler here now, and the leaves are golden and falling off the trees. There is talk of Christmas (Noel, here) and I saw a tree -- like a grand Christmas tree -- the other day in the center of town. Supposedly the lights go up towards the end of November, so that should be cool to see. The month of November always has been a melancholic event for me. 

On the opposite end of my awkwardness spectrum, is my host sister. She's incredibly beautiful, well spoken, and speak French with speed and fineness. She is a social butterfly. She is very kind, but she is always running off to do something, and coming back in late. She is smart and popular. 

But funny as it may be, I don't envy her. I think she's lovely, and she seems to enjoy what she's doing, but as funny as it may sound, I'm actually very ok with myself. I love spending my time the way I spend my time - writing, drawing, reading, walking around searching for sugar, bookshops, going to Paris to see my host family that I've kept in contact with for 7 years, going to the same restaurants and bakeries so much that they know my face and are glad to see me, listening to my music and dancing along like a weirdo, talking cooking with my host mom and watching Chef's Table France, cartoons in French, talking with my professor, applying myself in my French studies, improving. Talking online with my friends back home and all over the world. It's marvelous, and it's me. 

So for all I still struggle with social things, for all I wish making friends came as easily to me as it did my host sister, I'm actually ok with the fact that it doesn't. 

I'm going to close out this statement with yet another cartoon quote (because of course). "There's no one I'd rather be than me" (Wreck it Ralph. The first one. The good one). 

Because at the end of the day, and this has taken me a long time to get to, I very much like myself. And as flawed as I may be, I'm happy with who I am, what I stand for, and what I'm doing. 

~ Emery